NOTE: I do side quests. In fact, I grind them. Hardcore. This will be the first article in a series about my side quests: small (often ridiculous) projects that have little intended use or value save for personal enjoyment.
A few months ago I was walking down the street in Los Angeles when I saw a BMW convertible pull an illegal U-turn. That’s a daily occurrence around here but it caught my eye anyway—or rather my ear. Because this particular BMW convertible casually breaking traffic laws was absolutely blasting Sisqó’s 1999 R&B classic “Thong Song.”
The Beamer parked illegally and the driver jumped out. Literally. He jumped over the door like they do in movies. He was well-dressed, had a fresh haircut, and a shirt opened to his sternum. I could be wrong, but he looked about 30 years old, which (bafflingly) is not quite “Thong Song” age. And I know this isn’t a necessary detail, but just to complete the picture, he stood at an absolute maximum of 5’5” tall.
It was the funniest thing I’d seen in years.
The driver ducked into a store or something so, to keep the good vibes going, I put in my AirPods and listened to “Thong Song” for the first time in at least two decades. And here’s the part that you’re actually not going to believe...
It slaps.
Let me put you Philistines on some game. “Thong Song” is an under-appreciated masterpiece, unfairly maligned because it’s about underwear. It’s the crown jewel of Sisqó’s catalog. Who? Only the lead singer of Dru Hill, the songsmiths who gave us 'How Deep Is Your Love' from Rush Hour. Don’t you feel ridiculous for asking? You’re probably thinking, “But where did he find the time?” Uhhh... Between 1998’s “Enter The Dru” and 2002’s “Dru World Order.” That’s where.
The beat is fire. The strings are outstanding. Also, some of you may think this an overly bold statement, but “Thong Song” has the best key change in R&B history. There. I said it, and I stand by it. Starts at 2:37. Prove me wrong or fight me.
Anyway... within blocks of witnessing this BMW driver living life to the fullest, I knew what I had to do. I had to get “Thong Song” on my Spotify Wrapped. It’s a fitting tribute. The song predates Spotify, so it never really got a chance to sweep the people’s end-of-year social media awards the way it should have.
Unfortunately, I had these revelations in September, which means I’ve got quite a job ahead of me. I’ll really have to cram in a bunch of “Thongs” if I want to get my numbers up by End Of Year. Especially if it needs to compete with my usual playlist full of jazz, nostalgia, and TikTok bullshit.
We’re now a month into the project and finally seeing results. It’s taken work to get it there, but right now “Thong Song” is near the top of my ON-REPEAT playlist. Where it belongs.
I’ll be sure to update you when the JOB IS DONE.
