Dave Myers, Nihilist Car Salesman
From the forthcoming leaflet: Monologues for Actors Throwing Their Audition by Ben Wolf
She’s a beauty, isn’t she?
Hi. Dave Myers. And you’re..? Good to meet you, Jeff. Has anyone helped you yet? Anyone from sales come over and speak to you? Cause I saw you from our break room - I’m on break right now - but I saw you eyeballing the best car on the lot so I thought I’d introduce myself.
Yeah. No, I get it. I’m “just looking” at it, too.
You mind if I give you the tour? Are you sure? Cause it would be a big favor to me, I love talking about this car. The 2019 Corvette C7 Coupe with a six point two-liter V8 engine and a 7-speed manual transmission. Four hundred and fifty-five ponies under the hood. Someone told me they didn’t have that many horses in the Civil War - I don’t know if it’s true but it’s fun to say.
Now, I haven’t driven this one - honestly, they don’t stay on the lot very long, honestly - but I’ve driven some others and the handling is unbelievable. Like a baby carriage. Which is nice.
Because the road ahead is long. And endless...
...
Hmm? Yeah, no. I’m okay. You just caught me thinking. That’s all...
You, uh... Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Jeff? How old are you? Mmm. Yeah. That’s about the time you start needing a car like this.
It’s that time in your life when all of a sudden the end is closer than the beginning. When thoughts naturally turn to death. And to the looming chasm of time that stretches out from this moment unto eternity. A cold, meaningless void that, eventually, embraces us all.
But you want to know something incredible, Jeff? No one ever thinks like that when they’re driving a ‘vette.
...
Come over here. I want to show you the rear end. That’s what people will be looking at, right?
Mm. Just breathtaking. Carbon fiber spoiler. I keep saying, one day I’m gonna come out here and eat my lunch off it. Not this one, obviously. Because honestly, they don’t stay on the lot very long. Honestly.
What’s-? Gas mileage? Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... I’m not sure about the M.P.G. specifically. The EPA might not have released the official numbers- Oh, look at that. You’re right, there it is on the spec sheet.
So... Not wonderful if gas mileage is your priority. Is that-? Sure. Right. I get it. Of course. We’ve only got one Earth. It’s a diminishing resource. A diminishing... resource...
...
Aren’t we all?
You know, Jeff... One of these days - in a cosmic blink of an eye, really - there will be a moment when your name will be said for the last time. You’ll join the ranks of the unremembered, as we all will. Just a forgotten vestige of a lost era. Ephemeral, like blades of grass on the wind. Here... Then gone.
Kinda makes you want to live for the moment, doesn’t it? Every man dies, not every man really lives, right?
...
You wanna sit in the driver’s seat?
No, it’s cool. I’ve got the keys right here. Let me get the door. Watch your head. Nice, huh? You’ve got your short shifter, big screen on the dash. Wanna crank her up? Go ahead. Yeah. Give her some gas, Jeff. That’s it.
Feels good, doesn’t it?
...
Jeff? Jeff, are you crying? It’s okay, buddy. Yeah, go ahead and let it out. This world can be so cruel. Just the other day a woman accused me of inducing mid-life crises to sell cars. Not this car, obviously, because it’s brand new and honestly hasn’t been on the lot for very long.
I get it, man. We’ve got problems! Big problems! And it wasn’t always like this. We used to call men ‘Sir!’ We used to smell books! Where’s it all gone and what did it all mean?! We just... We... we...
What’s that? You’ll take it?
Gosh, I don’t know. Technically, I’m on break.
No, you’re right. Let’s live for today. Follow me, I’m gonna draw up the contracts. Hurry. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives, Jeff.
These days things can be so rough I’m starting to wonder if one Corvette’s enough anymore.