A Cut Above: My Hair-Brained Scheme To Fix The NBA
I have an idea that I believe will change the sport of basketball forever. I think it would raise revenues, improve ratings, and make the game more entertaining than it’s ever been before. And this plan is so simple that I’m frankly shocked no one has tried it.
5 years ago I got really into the NBA, falling in love with the drama and the athleticism. So this season, I decided I would finally read the rule book. But I didn’t get far, because I got stuck on one rule in particular...
Rule 2, Section 2, paragraphs B, C, D, and E.
It’s the part of the rulebook that says players can’t wear jewelry, or equipment made of anything hard or dangerous, or any equipment that’s designed to increase a player’s height or reach.
But you know what the rulebook specifically doesn’t rule out?
Toupées.
Hair pieces. Rugs. Wigs.
“Okay,” you’re thinking. “So what?”
Well... It’s kind of a fantasy so let me paint a picture for you.
It’s late in the season. There’s a team that’s not making the playoffs. They’re tanking, and they’ve got time for some shenanigans.
They sign me on a one-quarter contract - not a quarter of the season, not one game. One quarter. This costs them next to nothing. I’m a rounding error, salary-wise, and that’s fine. I’m here to break a sport, not enrich myself.
Anyway, I show up for the game looking frosty in my new ‘do, ready to make history. I take the court as the oldest rookie in NBA history and the only one who can’t dribble with his left hand. The game starts, the ball is tipped to the man I’m defending and I set my plan into action.
Now, I’m a little less than six foot, so my guy’s gonna take the shot. He just is. But I don’t do what defenders usually do, which is just wag a hand in his face. What is that? That’s useless. Completely ineffective.
No, I whip my hairpiece off and shove it right in front of the shooter’s eyes, completely blocking his vision. He misses the shot and... boom. The league is shook. Because this is the perfect defensive strategy. The hairpiece is fully opaque, it’s off-putting, wet with middle-aged sweat, it probably smells. Plus there’s the shock of it all. They thought I had hair but then I ripped it off my head right in front of them. Now I look like an angry thumb who has just scalped himself. They’re stunned. They’re questioning everything with the shot clock winding down and a wriggling toupée brushing against their nose.
The whole quarter I’ve got my wig in one hand, chasing down Giannis and Dame and all them... and they can’t score a bucket! The fans are losing their minds. Coaches are screaming. The mascot puts a mop head on top of his mask like a wig and the crowd erupts in applause.
The refs don’t know what to do because there is no mention of toupées in the rules. I’ve committed an Air Bud and there’s nothing they can do but watch. Tony Brothers starts crying. Scott Foster’s screaming at me, calling me Chris out of habit. The officials have a little meeting, then they come over and ask me to take off the hairpiece - and here’s the loophole, this is what’s so devious about all this - I just say what everyone who wears a toupée says...
“What are you talking about? What toupée? I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re referring to.”
The result is pure pandemonium.
In one game the whole meta has changed. The entire league switches to hair-based defensive strategies overnight and before long we see all the other players covering up their domes. It’s the hot new fashion accessory around the league. Rappers and Kardashians start copying the players. Other sports stars join in. The whole Inside The NBA crew gets them. Bron even shaves his plugs to make the experience more authentic.
Ratings go through the roof because this is the drama that fans crave. My toupée ends up in the hall of fame. A few years later Netflix makes a comedy about it called Hair Bud and a documentary called The Last ‘Do. I make NBA history in one quarter without ever touching the ball.
I know it sounds kind of crazy, but this could work.
This could work.
It might not work.
But...
...it’d be pretty cool if it did.